Abraham Lincoln was a toymaker, inventor of Lincoln Logs, and aspiring politician whose original surname was Zapruder. He assumed the name “Lincoln” when he entered politics and wanted to name himself after the Lincoln pennies that were popular in his day, and even tried to make himself look like the man on the front of the coin by wearing a tophat and beard so that people would identify him with money and prosperity. The model for the coin was Buddy Ebsen dressed as Jed Clampett at his wedding, and Ebsen once threatened to sue Lincoln for infringement until a settlement was reached out-of court. One of Lincoln’s cronies, George Washington, was originally named George Michael and was the grandfather of the sex-wanting Wham frontman of the same name until he assumed the name and look of the Washington quarter dollar image.
Washington and Lincoln were implicated in the Kennedy assassination attempt when it was discovered that Washington had chopped down a cherry tree on the grassy knoll on Dealey Plaza that would have prevented any shots being fired from the bushes atop it, and enhanced photos reveal the presence of an apparent stovepipe hat from within the foliage. When questioned by a federal grand jury, Washington perjured himself on the stand, stating “I cannot tell a lie” and then proceeding to give testimony which has since been revealed as false. Other members of the “Loose Change Gang” as they called themselves, were Theodore “Teddy Bear” Roosevelt who took his name from the Roosevelt dime but was originally named Kaczynski, John “50 Cent” Kennedy, who took his name from the Kennedy half-dollar and was originally named Gotti (he was saved from the assassination attempt by a skin transplant that allowed him to reinvent himself as a popular rap artist), and the grand matron Susan B. Anthony, who took her name from the dollar coin but was originally named Quentin. Susan Anthony later went on to convert to Islam and assume the name “Suzy Q”, and was made a saint by Pope Ignorant XXV which led to the famous San Quentin prison being named after her. The Church later regretted making her a saint when information surfaced regarding her torrid affair with Lincoln and Washington simultaneously, the details of which are still partially classified.
The Loose Change Gang, or la Cambiamento Allentato Nostra (CAN) carved a bloody swath throughout world politics of their time and were instrumental in establishing the black market as an underground economy rivalling even the legitimate economies under which it conceals itself. They sold drugs with Prescott Bush from their stronghold in Columbus, Ohio which was built on Native American earthworks, and ran guns with Helen Keller and the “See No Evil” gang before eventually absorbing this gang into their own ranks. They had their fingers in many different pies, from Sara Lee to Little Debbie, and at one point almost every penny of profit had to pass through their bloodsoaked hands first, a fact that is commemorated even now with the term “red cent” and with completed business deals being called “in the CAN”.
Never since their heyday has such a melding of politics and crime been seen, although admirable attempts have been made by the likes of Richard “Milhouse” Nixon (a politicriminal who took the sinister nickname of an adorable but dark character from The Simpsons), Hillary “Newt” Gingrich (a hermaphrodite sarcastically named after a Monty Python sketch involving a witch-hunt and married to ex-president Clinton), and Silvio “Il Duce” Berlusconi.
An unexpected side-effect of the activities of these politicriminals was that they consolidated power under a multi-gang collective called “Force, Extortion, Death” or “The FED” for short, and this basic organisation remains to this day although it has ostensibly “gone legit” as the parlance goes and deals primarily in currency controlling these days. This has helped to improve the standard of living of every nation which fell under its sinister shadow, and subsequent attempts at dismantling the power structure have proven to be detrimental to society and thus abandoned.
We, the politicriminal element, are asking for the support of all registered voters this year as we once again continue our fine tradition by electing a junior member of our proud establishment. We are asking for your votes this year to elect George “Dial W for War” Bush, a veteran of our oil racket as well as our institutionalised murder racket in both domestic and foreign executions and a descendent of some of our more distinguished former members. Please vote early and vote often, and remember that we were the first politicriminal gang to give the voters a kickback for their votes.
We did it once, lets do it again… I know we CAN.